Inevitable overshare

Since this is a blog that discusses dating, eventually there was bound to be sex talk.  Turn back now, if you're squeamish or easily offended.

I'll spare you the actual details (mostly, be grateful), but here some things that ran through my head during an encounter last night (second date, good chemistry, less nerdy in person, better hair):

• Good job! - the twist is that it was in A's voice.  In my head.  As an internal kudos for achieving, um, just imagine.  Remember, we're at the beginning.
• Oh great! - also in A's voice, when that achievement....disappeared.  Before anything happened.
• Random lines from Sex and the City  - ...and the dipping 
• Wait, is he trying to fishhook me? C would laugh so hard at that.
• Do I really need to be here for this?
• This is verging on Copernicus territory. Again?  How?  Why?
• And A & J chorus of "eeeewwww, no" - upon confirmation of tighty whiteys.  Yeah, me too.  I couldn't look.
• It's business time - but with underwear, not socks.  Don't ask me why there are two pairs.  Yes, underwear.  Don't ask. I did note the sock removal though. And no, it wasn't Wednesday.  In my case (but not others, although that's a different story. I wasn't there). 

The best comment to come out of our girls' lunch this week: "You have street sex, I have hotel sex.  You have got to stop doing that."

"I'm either working or at the hotel"

If nothing else, online dating has sparked some hilarious conversations with A (and our newest friends, JB & JM, we met them at a singles meetup.  Terrible assortment of guys, great place to pick up chicks.).  Here are some of the best.

• "I want to be the headlights, I never get to be the headlights!"
• "I just threw away three condoms because they were expired, how sad is that?"
• "I can imagine you in a city.  Or at the bar."
• "Just know, that without meeting you, I will always imagine you as a crossdresser" (said twice, by two of us, to different guys. What does that say about us?)
• "Not because you're attractive, I just never cross the bro line.  Or the braa line, lol."

Obligatory cat picture

Just to lighten things up. Also, it's cute.

Leo and Ivan, hanging out

"Somewhere in between the beginning and the end..."

So today I made the conscious decision to be a shitty friend. And possibly a shitty person. In a move that may seem petty, and possibly something last seen in junior high, I decided to go to a concert instead of attending a long-planned girls night in honor of a friend's upcoming wedding. Faced with a last minute, intimate show of one of my favorite artists over an increasingly awkward friendship, I chose me. And Matt Nathanson. How very Kelly Taylor. So now A and I stand with new friends, together, but separate from the rest.

It's hard, as adults, to have friendships, to be open, to be individuals, to really connect. I've been fortunate in that I feel like I've been able to make, and keep, friendships as an adult. A lot people say it's hard to make friends as time goes on. But there's a difference between spending time with people and being friends with people. And I want/need real friends. People who might be different but still "get" you, people who can tell you to get over yourself, to fuck off and deal with your shit, people who you can help work through their things, an open exchange. Anything else is exhausting on all sides.  But there are people who you really let in and people you just have in little boxes. And maybe that's okay.

In keeping with the music theme, and the comfort/joy I find in Matt Nathanson's songs, this one seems appropriate. I'd love for him to play it.

We don't admit it but we've never seen eye to eye

This sums up my recent 11 day trip to my hometown. My niece got married and I helped with the coordination during the wedding and details leading up to it. I had a blast hanging out with my sister and getting to really know my niece, her new husband and nephew as adults. Lots of champagne, super fun.

Less fun was 11 days at my mom's house. My mom is a wonderful woman and we have nothing in common (except that we realized that pretzels make both of us queasy). After a few days, it starts to really get me down/make me insane. I pride myself on being strong and independent, savvy and smart, while my mom is very reserved, completely milquetoast, and prefers to fade into the background. She's very set in her ways, very skittish, very insecure (yet somehow she managed to be the first in her family to go to college, get a professional career and move overseas for several years. Alone.) But now she won't drive across town or decide where to get lunch for fear of offending someone, being wrong or causing a fuss. It makes me sad. I think she does it at great personal expense but she won't talk about it.

Which explains why I sometimes over-assert myself, defiantly stand up for myself, and like to know what's where/what's new/where to go, and why I studied conflict resolution. I can only change myself, and that's okay.

My hometown bonus: seeing old friends and getting to play Barbies with the coolest six year old around. That and getting to dance to "You're the one that I want" with my sister.

The Wombats are proving to be a fantastic summer soundtrack, can't wait to see them next month at Red Rocks! We're liking "Our Perfect Disease" a lot. Everything's better with a soundtrack.

"We are listening and we're not blind"

One of the highlights of Birthday Continuum (really, there was no low point, besides fatigue) was seeing Snow Patrol in Denver. I've seen them a few times before but A hadn't, and she loves them. Mostly, she loves Gary Lightbody. At the show, I was equally concerned for his safety and that she might pass out. Whenever we've talked about the new album, or any songs, we've always said that there are dances. And 'Called Out in the Dark' has always had a dance - you may be sitting, but there's a thing with the arms that gets bigger and ends up over the head. We know it's a bad day when 'Called Out in the Dark' can't make it better (for me, it's a really bad day when all my other songs tagged here can't help. See also: Matt Nathanson, Rhett Miller, Scars on 45).  Gary Lightbody's voice is like a warm bath, everything else melts away.

"I only miss you when I'm with you"

Here's something new from Rhett Miller, Out of Love. He's awesome. So good live and as nice as he is pretty (okay, maybe he's a touch prettier.  He's very pretty).  Definitely worth seeing him and the Old 97's, I see them every chance I get, it's very cool that they're revisiting Too Far to Care, it's a great album and will make for a fun tour. Get his new album. Or one of the earlier onesh. All of them.

"I think that means you are one married man and two standard deviations from overthinking foreplay."

Please don't read this insanely funny collection of totally awesome, completely practical, not at all creepy sex tips from women's and men's magazines while you're at work.  There's no way to explain the laughter and even if your boss is cool, you probably don't want to read them out loud.  Or maybe you do, I won't judge.


Highlights:
Second opinion: make the mistake of being too gentle. At least until you ask.
First, do women like their breasts to be "volleyed" like tennis balls? Also: stop hitting me.
Here's a second take on that one: don't try facial intercourse.
Just don't tell Mother. She's still cross about the time she caught you rimming the good china.


http://jezebel.com/5919206/cosmos-44-most-ridiculous-sex-tips

http://jezebel.com/5922893/36-terrible-sex-tips-for-men

Poison frog!

One thing you should know is that we watch a lot of Investigation Discovery and Snapped. So sometimes there are conversations that start, "so if he'd just dropped the barbell on her throat instead of holding it there, he would have gotten away with it." And then there's a whole conversation because we've both seen the episode and know instantly what we're talking about.

We were out for breakfast and a friend (C) stops by. He drinks half my coffee, eats off our plates and shows some pictures from a trip to Atlanta.  Including some poison frogs at the Atlanta Aquarium.  About 10 seconds later, A exclaims, "Poison frog!" C looks at me like, "what the hell is she saying?" and I respond, "oh, she thinks she could kill someone with a poison frog and get away with it." He wonders who she might want to kill and I muse, "oh, whoever. Haven't decided." Later, the more I thought about "poison frog!" the funnier it was.

So poison frog became an expression. Boys are stupid? Poison frog. Someone annoying you?  Poison frog.  And we'd found our new mascot.  Vladimir Trad, the poison dart frog.  Why do we need a mascot, because. He gets to go on dates, trips, concerts, etc. with us to supervise.

We also have stickers and plastic frogs just in case someone deserves a poison frog, because we are secretly 14 years old.

Vlad, enjoying his first trip to  Texas.  He and his terrarium went through security just fine.

It should be noted that Vlad is only a beanbag sand frog, no poison there.  But maybe someday...

"I'm a non-believer but I believe in these dirty little wicked games"

Continuing on with the music.  None of us can relate to this song in any way.  Nope, not at all.  Stop looking at me like that, it wasn't me.

Now OkCupid is just screwing with me

"We seem ridiculously compatible..."


Said the married man, whose main concern was that I was not a strict vegetarian.  I can think of a few other issues.


Or the guy who wrote and said, "Hi, it's me, Tony."  Well sure, of course it is.  

This internet thing is not all it's cracked up to me.  Maybe it's me.  And all my friends, apparently.  Slim pickings, people.

"No one to write your name on a rain soaked beach"

For today's musical interlude, let's focus on Scars on 45.  You're gonna hear about them a lot (from me and other people), they're really good (and super nice).  Go see them now, we're going on Wednesday. This song has been in my head constantly, for weeks.  Good thing I like it.

And a bonus, because it's Friday.

"What I wear like church clothes, you wear just like jewelry."

Let's take a musical tour through the inside of my head, shall we?  Part 1: Matt Nathanson.  Wish I'd been at that show last year.

Coperni-kissing

This has been mentioned before but seriously, what is it with boys trying to Copernicus you over a good night kiss?  It just leads to laughter and there's no way to explain it.  "Well, you see, it's like a hug (or kiss) but almost a strangle.  And there's a monkey that may kill you in your sleep."

I learned in Drill Team years ago that when you're in a kickline, you keep your thumb in, next to your fingers, otherwise you hit a pressure point on the girl next to you and they drop.  That could easily happen when you're Coperni-kissing.  There shouldn't be a thumb on your collarbone and a hand around your neck. Keep those thumbs in guys, it doesn't give us confidence in the rest of your abilities.

Adorable; trashy; local. Trifecta!:)

That's the message I got from a guy online (finally jumping into the online dating world.  It's...interesting).

It's like he knows me.

I have no response to that.

Team Single Girls with Cats = winners

Happy hour tonight, trivia night. We used to hate trivia at our regular Wednesday night spot but somehow it's gotten fun.  More interesting, less obscure (weird, specific obscure, not fun or nerdy obscure). And we win.  In the last few months we've gotten second five or six times and first at least four. Which equals about $700. Gotta love a happy hour that costs $ 5.03 apiece.

Also, the dog from The Brady Bunch was named Tiger.

Boys are stupid

There's a reason for the saying, "I can't make this shit up." That reason? Dating. Because seriously, you can't make this shit up. You need examples? Here you go, full stories some other time:

• The number of people with security clearance, military history, PTSD and an inability to get a VISA due to CIA affiliation.
• People who ask a girl out and are never heard from again.
• It's a bad idea to have visions of Copernicus in your head when your date awkwardly puts his hand on your neck during a good night kiss (which has happened more than once).
• Men who want to share their personal love for and pictures of themselves in women's panties.
• Relationships that end when the new girl in your boyfriend's life accidentally breaks up with you.

Seriously?  Suddenly the cats are so much more appealing. Thank God for girlfriends with a sense of humor. And wine.

Birthday continuum, part 2. Or, how I was a cougar on my birthday.

Texas seemed like the perfect birthday celebration spot because two of my favorites were holding events. And A's family lives there, which made it super convenient and fun. Rhett Miller was doing two shows while we were in Houston, both acoustic.  One for Record Store Day and the other at the Texas Crawfish Festival. I've always wanted to see the Old 97's/Rhett Miller in Texas, so as a fangirl it was phenomenal. I love in-store, intimate shows and hearing new songs. Plus his new CD of covers is great; got that signed for the birthday too. Gotta love Rhett and his hips. Also, Wave of Mutilation.

He's pretty.  And talented.  And pretty.

I've been trying to use my Twitter a little more, so I was thrilled when both Scars on 45 and Rhett Miller had remembered my #birthdaycontinuum hashtag (it's funny when rock stars remember your birthday and people close to you don't say a word).  I may be turning into a Twitter fangirl.


 Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, happened to be having her book tour on our actual birthdays so we decided we needed to go. San Antonio on A's birthday and Houston on mine. She read a chapter from her new book, which is absolutely hysterical, and laughed at the fact that the reading was in the children's section. We wore our tiaras, bought our books and went through the signing line.  Jenny was hilarious and gracious, way nicer than I am when I take that much xanax (xanax = truth serum for me, and I'm pretty blunt to begin with).

A, S, and Jenny Lawson (seated).   She called us, "pretty  tiara girls."  Heart her.

After seeing Jenny in San Antonio, we checked into the hotel and then headed out to find something to eat. Unfortunately, our book tour coincided with Fiesta San Antonio and the riverwalk was closed. Closed. So we wandered around and finally settled on pizza. After cheese, we decided to get a glass of something bubbly at a wine bar to celebrate the close of A's birthday and the start of mine. In our tiaras. I'm gonna let her finish her part of the story but the short version is that instead of us leaving at 10:15 after a glass of prosecco, we left at 3:30 after sharing three shots, two bottles of Dom, two bottles of Veuve Cliquot, two bottles of Bordeaux and a shot of Louis XIII. Then we were followed down the street by a drunk, lumbering 24 year old who I may have kissed a tiny, tiny bit, just once, barely at all, while A yelled, "your boy is chasing us." And that's how I became a cougar...on my birthday.

The remainder of the Houston trip is a blur, filled with A's family, several dramatic renditions of the Birthday Song (thanks to Mildred and Patty Hill), Tex-Mex, and a little well needed rest. Rest because we still had a few Denver events to go.

Birthday continuum, part 1. Penis cake and rock star kisses.

A and I have birthdays one day apart. Because of that, we figure we get to at least double the celebrating, so we've created a birthday continuum.  This year, it just so happened that several events happened before, during and after our birthdays so it was a good week and a half of birthday celebrations.

To kick it all off, we had cake on our regular happy hour night. Not just any cake, penis cake. But seriously good penis cake. Well, really, it was a penis bouquet cake. Enough to share with the bar. White cake, Bavarian cream filling, chocolate buttercream frosting. After the initial WTF, people loved it. Plus we got to break in our tiaras, tiaras are perfectly acceptable on birthday continuum.

What girl doesn't like a nice bouquet on her birthday?

When we started planning the trip, we looked to see if any of our favorite bands were on tour. Happily, Scars on 45 were stopping back in Denver just in time to kick off the birthday continuum.  They were amazing, so good, so sweet, super cute (we won't talk about the other acts in the show).  It was my third time seeing them and I look forward to seeing them again in June. Go now, before they're huge. We wore our tiaras, got our cd's signed and got (chaste, damn) birthday kisses from the darling drummer and equally adorable guitar player.

S, adorable Danny from Scars on 45, A

Next stop: Texas.